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Parenting

How I teach my kids tolerance

March 17, 2017 / Parenting / 2 Comments

While me and my family, we live in a big city, in our every day actions we still live mostly in our small circle of family and friends. And they are all a lot like us, white Caucasians celebrating Christmas and Halloween, wearing similar clothing and with pretty similar cultural and educational background.

But the world is much bigger then that. And I wish for my kids not to fear the difference, not to despise other ways of living and never believe people who say, that anyone who’s different then us, is our enemy.

I hope they’ll love exploring the world with an open mind and a big heart.

But then again, as I said, our little circle is quite homogenic. And we all feel best when surrounded by people who think alike and act alike ( even while eating some east Indian take out). So teaching my kids about different ways of living and thinking is not that easy.

Luckily, there’s one thing that I’m happy worked out for my family and that helps me here: my kids part-time daycare.

My girls go here three times a week. And their friends are all different, with different cultural and religious backgrounds. Some speak French at home, some English, some Spanish and some Arabic. And the lovely ladies who take care of my daughters, are Muslim with their hair covered. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

By spending their days with them, they live the diversity and tolerance.

And they don’t even see the difference between our neighbor who wears high heels and very short dresses, and their day care educator dressed in a long sleeve and covering their hair. And I believe there’s none. These two women have chosen to dress according to the expectations of their circle of important people and values they where thought as kids. And according to what they believe they should do, in order to fit in to their culture’s norms. One believes she should be modest, and one believes she should be sexy. Both want to fit in the expectations of their family and friends. And I can look beyond that, and be friends with both, and that’s what I hope to be teaching my kids to do.

I explain them, that even me I do things I don’t really like, only because in my culture as a women I’m expect to be doing these things: I shave my legs. I wear a bra. Sometimes even high heels, if I want to look elegant and well dressed. This is our cultural code. Of course, in our society I have a certain freedom and choice. ( That I hope my daughters will feel they have too, and who knows, maybe they won’t do thing as I do). But there’s cultural pressure. My neighbor, she goes a notch higher : she does her hair every day, has fake eye lashes and had two plastic surgeries. And my daughter’s daycare educator covers her hair and never wears shorts. I don’t think we’re that different. In the end we are all women who want to be accepted. Who like to laugh. Who like kids and chatting about our favorite TV series. So I always try to show to my girls how similar people are in many ways. Even if they seem different.

And I hope my kids will learn to be tolerant and to see beyond these first-impression-differences. And that they’ll understand that we are all so similar.

So what I tell my daughters, is that we are all expected to look and behave in a certain way, and that depending from family, city or country, these expectations will be different. That as kids we learn to like certain flavors, places and even music, and that how we act is a result of where and how we grew. But we should always look beyond that, and see the real person.

And so here’s how I try to teach my kids tolerance:

We read books about children from different cultural backgrounds. Book that talk about being different then others, and abut embracing differences. Books that encourage finding your way and accepting others.
I try to get my kids in situations where not everyone is the same and different cultures mix together ( Like our multicultural daycare. But it could be a camp, a day camp, a library activity or a festival. )
We try to travel to place where people live in a different way then we do. ( though not as often as I’d like, I’ll admit )
I explain them how in the end we are all the same: we want to be accepted, we want to have a loving family and nice neighbors!
I teach them about their own couture and traditions without undermining others.

I really believe that tolerant kids are happier, and that in the future these kids will be able help their communities better. And that in the end, we are all very alike.

Parenting tips versus parenting intuition

January 11, 2017 / Parenting / 1 Comment

We live in a society that dreams about constant improvement and growth, in a society where efficiency has become the measure of success. Parenting has become a wildly discussed subject and parenting advises are often in line with this approach of the efficiency, statistics growth and passing developmental stages faster and better!

When my girls where babies, I remember that every time I would visit our nurse for a check up, or see a friend I haven’t met for a while or meet with a well intended family member, everyone would ask the same set of questions: Is your baby finally sleeping alone through the night? Is it self soothing? Eating alone? Finally potty trained?

I felt like in fact I was constantly being asked if the changes are coming fast enough, if the the growth is stable, is my child’s development parallel to the statistic average or better? Everyone would focus on achieving developmental milestones the fastest possible. And everyone would offer me tips for achieving these.

Of course sometimes these well intended questions, are important to ask, since some of the issues might indeed indicate a developmental problem that when spotted early on can be fixed..

But I realized that most of the time they just created the anxious feeling, that we moms tend to have:

The fear that we’re not doing it right.

And then I felt like I need to read more and more, different and often conflicting tips. And I realized that in the end, us, moms, we might feel lost and anxious, just because we worry that our children are not hitting these milestones fasts enough, that the growth is not stable, that the statistic average is somewhere ahead of us, and that we’re failing as the efficient parent that we should be..

Except that parenting a child isn’t running a business. The success isn’t measured in efficiency and growth and hitting the milestones the fastest possible!

The success of a parent, is raising a loved and loving happy human, who’s prepared to live in the society on his own, as an adult.

So why a nurse would ask me if my 10 month old baby can self-sooth? Why parent’s are being judged if their three-year old is still in diapers? Why is a new mom being asked and asked over and over again if her baby finally sleeps through the night? Why do school aged kids are expected to participate in tons of extracurricular activities? Non of these are real indicators of a success nor of a happy child or a happy life. They are just milestones to pass.

And while me too, I tend to write my posts with tips intended to help, I realized that the most important tip is the one I never wrote before: The one about your own parenting intuition. Because every piece of advice that is out there, and every post I ever wrote, is not as important as your own intuition. Nothing is stronger and more important than your own parenting guts.

You know whats right for you and for you baby. You know what are your family’s needs. And before reading and listing to people telling you what and how do things, just listen to what feels right for you.

While health experts here in Quebec would tell me that my baby should self soothe, I knew that this isn’t an issue for me, nor for people in many other cultures. I felt that my babies had plenty of time to learn that skill, and that at a ripe age of 10 moths my babies weren’t ready to be left alone in the crib to cry. While my family nurse would tell me that I should sleep train my baby, I new that this isn’t something that’s good for my kids. I knew that eventually they’ll sleep without me making them cry and without feeling left alone. And yes, now they do sleep all night alone in their own beds.

My good friend has been told many times by her family members, that her child isn’t supposed to be in diapers at his age of three and a half. That’s it’s a big problem. But she knew him, and she knew that when he’ll be ready, he’ll be potty trained very fast. And that’s exactly what happened, within 2 days from when he decided he wanted to.

Some kids walk later. Some talk later. And as long as the parent feels its fine, it is. Because intuition of a parent is stronger than any parenting tip based on the statistic and normative approach!

So while here on my blog, you’ll find titles starting with “how to” and ” best tips for” please know that these are just ideas, only ways to parent. And that I truly believe that there isn’t one and only way, and one and perfect approach.

And I think that if you feel anxious and bad after reading parenting tips, it might be because they are against your own gut and your own intuition! And your intuition is the strongest and best parenting tool that you have!

It’s because during the thousands and thousands of years of evolution there was no manual, no parenting guru no parenting tips. We had intuition and biological instinct to guide us. When a baby cried we would pick it up, nurture and cuddle. A toddler would sleep next to us, and we wouldn’t think twice about it. All around the globe we would keep our babies close, and leave the growing kids to run outside to explore on their own.

Yes, from culture to culture, things would diversify, ( the language, the way of dressing and feeding ) but still, the human history is thousand years of following the instinct and listening to intuition! Of curse our intuition now is influenced my both biological instinct as the way we were raised, what we have been through, what “feels” right to do in our culture, and what we observed as children. Nevertheless, it’s our best parenting compass!

( Side note: Grown-ups raised by abusive parents may have their intuition set on repeating what they been through, so in that case intuition isn’t a good guide at all..)

So our bodies and our minds usually know what to do. We just need to listen to them more often. Because all of the parenting tips are only optional, and make sense only if in the first place, we listen to our intuition!

How to teach kids to share

November 25, 2016 / Parenting / 0 comment

I really believe that teaching kids to share is also encouraging them to help each other and cooperate. That in fact, it’s about teaching them to work together, to play together and to respect each other. And it’s also helping them to figure out how to fight and how to make up after. And that in the end, it makes them feel capable and strong while helping them have strong relationships with other kids, and being assertive while staying compassionate. And I always felt that if my daughters will really learn to share, they’ll become the best of friends. That’s why I’ve been thinking a lot about how to tech kids to share, and how to make it really work in our home.

You see, I believe it’s fine it they fight, as long as they know how to resolve their issue afterwards, and in their age, most of fights happen over sharing, or lack of it. So for me, helping them to share is a part of my bigger goal: making sure they’ll have a strong relationship, and that they’ll always know how to get over a fight.

So at least once a day I’ll ask Lili to help Rose with something, “read” her a book that they’ll both hold, draw together on one piece of paper or prepare me a felt-veggie dinner together. And then, once they did something together, and once Lili helped her little sis, all that sharing thing comes a bit easier! And that way also Rose learns that it’s actually nice to share and she feels better about it too.

Of course, my kids are not angels, and they do fight over toys, even after all the sharing they do. But it never lasts long, and recently I don’t even need to intervene, as they’ll excuse themselves on their own, cuddle and find a way to play together afterwords.

So here’s what I do to help them to share, naturally and on a day-to-day basics, :

1. Share one bedroom.

I really believe that because they sleep in one room, and are the first people they see in the morning, they are more used to other people in their personal space and therefore are more open to sharing. Also, since they have this time just for the two of them, when thy fall a sleep and when they wake up, they are closer together and more apt to share things.

2. Do crafts together.

I often set up a craft for the two of them do create together, on a large piece of paper. They have usually one set of paint or crayons to use, and so naturally they need to take turns. There’s no ” that’s mine” talk, since the art piece is supposed to be an effect of their work together.

I think that creating together, sharing a big sheet op paper, paint and crayons makes for a natural setting to share, where the things are less important than the act of creating, and so they concentrate on their creative play, and sharing comes along the way.

3. Playing games where they need to cooperate.

I used to encourage imaginative games where they both had a role to play: setting up a restaurant from felt food, doing puzzles together, simple game boards or pretended play. Now they are used to these and often play together without me setting anything for them.

4. Give them positive attention when they help each other.

Kids do a lot of things only to get our attention. Sharing or not might be one them. So me, I used to come to the playroom every time I heard a cry. And at some point there was a lot of crying in that room! At some point I realized that instead of talking to each other they’d cry, only so I would come and solve their problem.

So I changed my approach. I stopped reacting to cries, and when they would come to me saying : ” she took that, she did this, she doesn’t share” I’d ask: “Why are you telling me this? Was it me who took it? Ask her to give it back, tell her you’re sad when she takes things away from you” And in the end they learned to work it out between them. And they stopped crying just to grab my attention.

So now, when they play and share, I’ll pop in to the play room and say that I appreciate how they share, and I love to see them playing together.

5. Don’t force it.

Last but not the least, I try not to force it. As a friend once told me, for a toddler to share a toy, is as difficult as for an adult to share their spouse: unimaginable!

So that’s why even playing in taking turns might be very difficult for little kids. But I believe that even small kids understand when someone is sad, and they want to fix it. So instead of pushing them to give their toy to play, I would show that the other child is sad, and maybe we could make him happier if we shared for a minute. Or I’d try to show them how nice it is to exchange toys.

So while my kids are definitely not perfect they do cooperate with more ease lately. And since I implemented these ways in our every day life, they do share more and fight less over toys. And I hope these tips might help you too!

3 tips for parenting a strong willed child

September 15, 2016 / Parenting / 0 comment

As a mom of a stubborn and determined – aka strong-willed – little girl, I get to practice my patience daily, stretch it and finally pick my battles over and over again. Because parenting a strong-willed child, isn’t like regular parenting. It’s dealing with a child who’s more determined, more active and often more emotional than other kids. It’s parenting a child who has a drive of two and energy of three. It’s pretty exhausting sometimes.

But it’s also pretty rewarding. And as much as it can be difficult (because the strong-willed child will always want things their way!) sometimes I think it’s for the best.

I believe that my daughter was meant to be so strong, and my job is to never break her, just guide her toward right choices. Because these stubborn kids (who, quite frankly, sometimes drive us crazy!) will grow to be the most persevering adults, great leaders and passionate workers. Grown-ups knowing what they want and how to get it.

And I really think that strong-willed children need mostly clear values, encouragement and love. And that we’re not here to break them, or to show them that they’re not in charge of their life. Because they are! ( Yes, we are responsible for them as long as they’re little, and it’s our job to keep them safe, but it is still their life.)

And if they have more drive, more passion and more energy than anyone else, then what they really need is a clear compass, so they can use their strength to do good in life and to have a place in the society.

So I know that my biggest job as a mama to this particular strong-willed girl, is to help her find her purpose in life, to encourage her and let her grow. Even if it’s not always easy to be honest!

And so here are my three tried and tested tips to keep these strong-willed kids out of trouble, following our guidance yet still following their own path:

1. Listen to what your child has to say.

A strong-willed child really needs to express their thoughts and emotions, needs to be heard and acknowledged. Your child will do it ether in a form of a tantrum, either calmly and nicely! And it’s up to you to slow down, get at their high and ask them:” What do you want now? Can I help you? How do you feel? What is your idea for that?” Now, it doesn’t mean that you’ll always agree to their ideas and fulfill all their needs ( like a “need” of sweets before dinner). It means you listen, and you can talk about it. You can try paraphrasing their emotions:” I hear you’re upset. You’d like to eat more chocolate.” But if it’s against your plan, and there’s no way they are right, then look at tip 2!

2. Make clear rules and stay consistent.

Since strong willed kids want things to always be their way, they need clear rules of where they can choose, make a decision or propose a solution, and where they need to follow your lead. Because as soon as the situation is unclear, you can be assured that a strong willed child will try to take the lead! for example, we have a picture of four of our family rules, and another one of our stay-at-home day plan. So there’s no discussion about bedtime following dinner, or playing with balls at home ( that’s a no!) etc: the rules are clear and they don’t change.

3. Give them responsibilities, and ask them to help you.

A strong willed child want’s to feel in charge and capable, so instead of braking that need and turning it in to a rebellion of destruction ( you know the tantrum type of: I-don’t-know-why-I’m-upset-but-I-can’t-calm-down) give them a job to do. A responsibility. For example, when your strong willed child is at your feet whining when you cook, give them a real job to help you with. When you’re out and about, ask them to be in charge of a grocery list, or of picking the best apples, or taking care of their siblings. Depending from their age, they’ll love to be in charge of different things!

And I’m sure that by implementing these three simple tips, your strong willed child will be more cooperative, less explosive and overall more calm. Though, next time your stubborn kid does throw you a huge tantrum, just breathe and remember that your child is simply practicing his leadership skills on you! And that it’ll all pass!

Lazy moms guide to camping with kids

August 12, 2016 / Parenting / 1 Comment

Here is the truth, I don’t really like camping all that much, and that’s exactly why I have prepared this guide to camping with kids! Because I learned that by making it simpler and more comfortable, I start to mind less bugs and public bathrooms and appreciate more forest hikes, and canoeing on the lake.

And I just love how kids are running around happily and how our family is reconnecting together over the campfire! Also, I truly believe that camping is great for kids development (I wrote all about that here) so even though I’d feel better in the hotel by the sea, we will keep camping!

There are a couple of things that you can do, to make camping easier and more comfortable, even with little kids around, and even if you’re not sure where to start.

1. Take just the right things.

If you’re a Pinterest junky like I am, then you’ve probably seen these super long “essentials only” lists of things you need when you go camping. Do they overwhelm you? Because they sure did overwhelm me. Until we actually went camping, and found out that we’re all good without a folding table (there was a picnic table!) and without a big box of outdoor toys ( kids did play, even more than ever, using their imagination and a minimum of toys).

Because let’s face it, what’s relaxing about camping is simplifying life, and not spending hours upon arrival on setting things up!

That’s why I’ve prepared you a list that you can print out:

So my advice, is take only the essentials. Sleeping gear, cooking gear, folding chairs for the campfire, a minimum of clothes and food. Ok, I’ll admit that I like to add the French press coffee machine and some pretty plates and a quilt, but that’s just my glamping essentials!

2. Consider ready-to-camp set up.

That’s the easiest of camping options, as you don’t have to set things up, and so your preparation is so much easier. I especially recommend this option for camping newbies and families with babies! We went to one of these ready to camp places when Lili was two years old and Rose was three months old, and it was one of the best vacations we ever had as a family!

3. Camper or tent, which one is for you?

Camper set up is so much easier, and gives you place to eat and cook when it rains, but is considerably more pricey then all the tent gear.

Tent gives you more of an outdoorsy feel, and is much cheaper, but more time-consuming to set up.

I say, try both ( you can rent a camper for a weekend, and there’s always that one friend who has a tent to lent!) before investing in either of them!

We decided that since we don’t go camping every weekend, the investment in a big camper wouldn’t make sense for us. Instead we started camping with a very large tent, that was just enough for our camping trips during the summer. And lately we got an old pop up tent- it gives a bit more of a glamping feel but without braking the bank.

3. Tent camping preparations and what to do a week before:

Set up your tent in your backyard. You need to see if the tent is all good! And I reccomend running a trail night with the kids in the backyard. That means checking if your mattresses aren’t pierced, and if you’re warm enough in your sleeping-bags. I admit that it’s usually my hubby sleeping in the backyard with our older one not me, but it does get everyone exited!

Check if you have enough fuel for your camp stove, if you have batteries and first aid kit is well packed.

4. Tent camping must haves.

Good quality mattresses and sleeping bags are really a necessity! And for some extra comfort I like camping with my own pillow and real bedding. Of course, if you’d like to be sure that the rain won’t ruin your stay a canopy is a good buy, but I never used it, and we where just fine! Also, folding chairs, and if there’s no picnic table provided on your camping ground, then a folding table! ( see my full list above for what to pack for details).

5. Make cooking easier: prepare a meal plan, and have some meals pre-prepared!

Really do make a detailed meal plan. Bake some muffins ahead for easy breakfast, and bring ready-made salsa, dips and pasta souse. What I also do, is opt for easy preparation, like fajita or tacos, hot dogs or pasta! I make sure to have lots of snacks, s’mores box and some drinks for adults!

Also, camping is much better with bacon and eggs for breakfast, and good coffee!

6. Activities.

As much as hiking, kayaking and chilling around the camping ground is fun, it’s not as fun if it rains, and that’s why we always camp close to attractions like a zoo, pick up farm, or just close enough to the city. That way when there’s a rainy day head, we’re not stuck in the tent!

7. Let the kids be kids.

You don’t need to prepare them extra activities and they really don’t need all the toys. Bring a couple if their favourites ( max 4 per child) and let them get dirty and wild, let them explore the nature and make use of their imagination.

And lastly, enjoy yourself. Camping with kids is all about reconnecting, unplugging and relaxing, so just let the kids be dirty, eat all the s’mores you want and enjoy the nature!

How to raise a foodie: 10 simple tips.

June 15, 2016 / Parenting / 0 comment

From the very first minutes of motherhood, feeding is one of the most important issues. It can bring joy or anxiety, it can be a bliss or a battle. Whether you’ve breastfeed or bottle-feed, you know exactly what you’ve been through, the good and the bad. Probably everyone around you had an opinion on how you should or shouldn’t have fed your baby. And then, once the milk-phase is done, comes the era of real food, the battles over veggies and the “I don’t like it”/”But you haven’t tried it yet” never-ending discussions.

But what if there was a way of raising a foodie instead of a picky eater? Is that even possible?

I think it is. Now, I don’t think that everyone should like every taste, every consistency and every spice out there. I believe that it’s ok to like less certain foods, and avoid some. But I also believe in eating various foods in general, in experimenting in the kitchen and in trying new things. I believe in a whole and colorful plate that you can share with your toddler, without the whining and tears.

And I believe that kids too can be foodies.

However, there are a couple of conditions that may make this task much more complicated. Kids diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders, anxiety or depression usually don’t like trying new foods, and eating the same meals daily can make them feel more secure and in control. Also, some people have genetic predispositions to sense tastes differently, especially finding the bitter taste where others almost don’t feel it (think vegetables), therefore will be drawn to starches, mild foods and won’t like to experiment, in fear of finding the same bitter taste again.

But even these predisposed picky eaters can open a bit their taste buds, if given opportunity to do so! Because we’re not born with the love of green olives, french cheese or shrimps. Tastes grow on us and if we see our family members enjoying them, if we are given the opportunity to look and smell the food a number of times before trying it, and if we’re not forced to do so, we can learn to accept and like it too.

But what if your toddler have been trying all sorts of foods and suddenly became an I-don’t-trust-any-new-food type of kid?

There’s an explanation for that too. According to evolutionary psychology, kids are open to any food that a parent will introduce before the walking phase. Once the child can walk, he could poison himself by picking foods on his own (Remember that people used to live in the hunters and gathers tribes, for hundreds thousands of years? And quite frankly our biology is still adjusted to that type of lifestyle.)So throughout the toddler years, kids are wired not to trust new foods! And add to that their short memory and here you have it, a meltdown over broccoli because it’s been 3 weeks since you’ve cooked it, and your child is convinced it’s a poison!

So, while keeping all that in mind, what can we do to raise a foodie? Here are my tried and tested ways:

1. Be consistent.

Research proves that it takes around 10 exposures to new food before a child will be willing to eat it! It’s 10 times seeing the parents eating it and 10 times seeing it on their plate before the child will actually TRY IT. So don’t give up if you offered asparagus three times to your toddler and he’s still not eating it. Just keep on cooking it, eating it, and putting on his plate.

2. Model.

Kids learn by imitation, so if you say “I don’t like it” referring to any type of food, your kid will do the same. Even if you just said that you wouldn’t like to eat raw meat, your child can easily turn it in to not wanting to eat any meet, because “mommy said so”. But if you’re trying new foods often then your child will do the same!

3. Don’t force it.

Never force it! If you’ll start forcing a child to eat something, you’ll end up in a power struggle, and your child will learn that there’s something that you really care about, something that you don’t control but he does. The control over what’s going to be eaten is in your kids hands, and putting too much emphasis on it, might give your kid a place to stretch that control, just for the sake of it, resulting in stubborn I-won’-try-it just to prove a point!

Also, you don’t want meal time turn in to a dispute, struggle and battle. In order for it being pleasant and fun for everybody, everyone should have the same freedom and choice. You’re scared that your kid will choose to eat only bread and dessert? Don’t put it on the table.

Your responsibility is to make the food and put it on the table, and it’s your child’s freedom to choose whatever he wants from the choices that you offer.

4. Pick your battles.

The kid devours tomatoes and carrots but leaves all the salad out? Just keep serving it, and one day, by accident, he may start eating it. There’s a vegetable soup and a salad? Let them eat the one they prefer, don’t insists on eating all of the veggies.

Your kids like pizza, pasta and fries? Perfect, serve them their favorite food with a mixed in portion of a new vegetable, and who knows, maybe they’ll eat some of it too!

5. Start a vegetable or a herb garden.

Seeing how food grows, caring for it, watering it and then harvesting it gives kids a sense of comprehension, anticipation and pride. So starting even a small veggie garden in a pot can help you child get interested in veggies!

6. Don’t give up.

Did I already say it? Well, it’s so important, that I’ll say it again, don’t give up, just serve these veggies, and put them on that plastic plate!

It took me a year to convince my kids to some veggies. Onions, kale, leek and even peppers, they all have been less than loved at some point or another. But they ended up trying them, eating a piece, and another, and accepting them in the end.

7. Include them in preparation.

Let them pick the prettiest tomatoes while doing groceries, invite them to scroll through a cook book and pick a recipe, let them help you with washing vegetables, mixing up a salad and cutting fruits! If they helped making it, they’ll most likely at least try it!

8. Never say: you won’t like it.

Kids define themselves through what you say about them, so if you say they won’t like something, that’ll believe you, and even convince themselves they do not want to disappoint you. So don’t call them picky, don’t say that don’t like veggies or spices and don’t tell them what they don’t like.

9. Don’t assume it’s not for kids.

In many cultures there’s no such thing as kid-meals. Children eat exactly the same spices as adults, and they don’t get choice or a second option.

10. Don’t say it’s healthy, just say you like it.

Another research shows that saying that something is healthy actually resolves in kids NOT wanting to eat that food. But since kids learn by imitation, it’s better to just eat the healthy stuff yourself with a smile instead of saying that it’s healthy and they have to.

Raising kids is amazing, fun, difficult and exhausting, all at the same time. Feeding them is a big part of it. So make it fun, for your sake mostly. Eat what you like, maybe with a healthier spin on it. Don’t stress yourself too much about their nutrition intake after a day of cereals and hot dogs. Just balance it the next day with something a bit better. You’re doing your best, I know that! And who knows, maybe in a couple of years your little foodie will try to convince you to try something new?

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