Joanna Anastasia

mom

Anxious mom

Anxious mom

I am a mom. And I get anxious because of my kids. I am an anxious mom.
I used to be careless and positive thinking. I used to believe that it’s going to be all good. Not any more.

If my kids are calm and sound asleep I need to check if they are breathing right.( yes they are). If they cry I worry that they suffer (probably not) or are deeply unhappy (most probably sad or uncomfortable but not deeply unhappy).

If they’ll wake up in the middle of the night crying, I run to see them worried that they might feel abandoned if I won’t came.

I worry about there health (without a reason). I worry about there safety. I imagine pedophiles, car accidents, kidnappers and deadly viruses. I read about these terrible things happening to other people kids, and then I can’t sleep. I get anxious.

But there are also every day issues that make me an anxious mom.

Just the other day my daughter came back from daycare with a runny nose. Again. And my baby started to have a runny nose. Again. And then I started to worry that they’ll both get ear infection. Again.

And soon I’ll be taking a flight with my baby, leaving my three year old with my hubby at home for a couple of days. Do I have to explain how many times I already imagined the plane crushing, leaving my daughter an orphan without a mom? Too many times, to tell you the truth. Way to many.

So now I’m asking myself, how do I deal with this? Do I want to live my life as an anxious mom? Do I want to worry all the time for no particular reason? Obviously I can’t stop my kids from living there life, only because I’m scared. It would be really owfull if I would. If I’d decided that they won’t ever go on a sleep over, because I’m scared of pedophiles. If we’d stop traveling because I’m imagining a plane crush.

And if I’d make them believe that a world is a dangerous place and that they should never trust any stranger then they might never get kidnaped, but they might never fall in love neither. If they see me scared because of them, they’ll believe that they too should be scared. And I don’t want my kids to be scared of living there lives.

So I’m trying to imagine positive scenarios. I stopped reading about child abuse. I breathe.
I’d love to say that I do yoga, but I don’t. I’m to busy lazy and I eat chocolate instead,which works just fine for me ;).

Honestly I think that anxiety is a part of being a parent, a price that we pay for loving someone so deeply. Also it’s biologics way of making sure that we’ll take care of our offspring. So I don’t think I’ll ever totally stop being an anxious mom. But I’m trying to stay rational and not get overwhelmed by my fears. I don’t want anything bad happening to my kids, but it would be terrible and heart braking if they wouldn’t live anything worth living because of my fears.

And you, are you an anxious parent? How do you deal with it?

Are you only a mom now ?

Only a mom

A member of my family asked me recently, if I’m only a mom now, and where is Joanna that they used to know. And I thought about me, and about my friends with kids, who also seem to have lost themselves in maternity. In what way did we changed? What does it mean to be only a mom?

So if you too ask yourself if you’ve changed so much since you became a mother, here are couple of hints that will help you determine if you’re still your old self or not.

1. You don’t party like you used to.
If before having kids you used to go out to bars every weekend, get drunk with your friends and be hangover the next day, and now party means a toddlers birthday well than you changed. You’re a parent for sure.

2. You stopped stressing over your body
.
If you used to think that being sexy and stylish is more important than having breakfast, and now you’re baking cupcakes with your kids and eating the icing with your fingers, then you definitely changed in to a mother creature.

3. Your kids are more important than you.
If you used to seek fun and pleasure by consuming new objects and experiences and now you find fun and pleasure in your kids laugh and cuddles, then you have changed.

4. You don’t stress over unimportant things.
If you used to be irritated by people or things not acting like you want to, and now all you really worry about are you’re kids, then you changed. Like me, you’re a mom.

5. You’re not saying you slept bad because you woke up at seven.
If you sleep more than 5 hours including 4 undisturbed, and you consider yourself lucky, then yes, you’re a mother creature who lives on coffee.

Most definitely I’m a mother creature now, changed and different than before. Honestly I don’t see anything bad about it. I used to drink too much alcohol, stress too much about the unimportant things and think too much about my size. Sure I’m tired, and of course I’d love to travel more, but I think that overall changing into only-a-mother wasn’t that bad of a deal.

Because I believe, that throughout our lives, we play different roles at different time, and it’s all about choosing the right role at a right moment. I used to be a daughter, and a student. I used to be a young women, an adventure seeker. I used to be a perfect girlfriend. For sure, I’m still a little bit of all of the above. I’m still my mothers daughter, I’ll always have a hunger for learning and discovering new things and I’m my husbands sweetheart for life.

But most of all, at this time of my life I’m a mother. Only a mother. I want to explore this role that I’m playing now, I want to play it as good as I can, because I know it’s not a role I’ll be playing always. One day my kids will grow up, and I’ll be playing a different role. I’ll always be there to support them, but they won’t need me in the same way as they do need now.

And I believe that if there is a role in my life that I want to be playing really good, is this one. So I’m only a mom now. I might be missing in life’s adventure, I might be less sexy, stylish or up to date with the newest cultural events. And that’s fine.

And if you are having young kids, do you feel like being their parent is your main role now? How do you feel about it?