When we fail in motherhood
Some days we make magic happen: we cuddle our kids, soothe their boo-boos, listen and encourage them. We smile at their silliness and we calmly respond to their demands. Some days you and me, we are simply best moms on earth.
But then there are days, when we fail completely and miserably in mothering . We raise our vice over every little thing, we get impatient in a blink of an eye, and our tired minds are begging us for a moment of peace. Days when it feels as if their voices, crying and whining, are taking over our minds. And we just want to be left alone.
There are days when I’m a bad mom, and I know there are the days when you feel like you’re one too.
And this is when I ask myself, why am I even a parenting writer? Should I really have more kids? And am I staining my daughters childhood with my anger and impatience? Will they remember these moments of my tense face and harsh voice? Will they remember how I made them cry?
There are days when I’m so full of guilt and self-doubt that I can hardy breathe. I imagine ruining their lives with my anger. Filling their soul with bitterness and anxiety.
Because aren’t mothers entirely responsible for their kids happiness? Shouldn’t we always be the oasis of calm acceptance and love?
Well, no. We are supposed to be good enough. Responding to their needs most of the time. And when we show them anger, this is when they learn how to deal with it. This is when they learn that it’s ok to feel anger themselves, and express it ( in a socially acceptable way). This is when they learn – once we re-conciliate – that anger is a part of human spectrum of emotions, and that it is NOT a danger to the relationship. This is when they learn about limits.
And I tell myself that tomorrow will be a new day. That I do my best. That kids are forgetful and full of forgiveness. And that I’m a human who doesn’t need to love every moment of this life with kids, but who does love her kids like nothing else in the world.
So what if like me, you failed, and think you have really made a mistake?
- Say ‘I’m sorry”. Admitting to kids that we have made a mistake, that we had gotten impatient and angry, teaches them about forgiving and saying sorry when they have done wrong.
- Ask for help. It does take a village to raise happy kids, and you don’t have to do it all alone.
- Take a break. Sometimes a little bit of time to breathe and think in silence is all we need!
- Shake off that guilt: it’ll only cloud your thinking.
- Do something that you love doing, with your kids: it’ll help you re-connect with your kids and with the happy mother that you are!
So when I fail, I remind myself that it really takes a village to raise human beings, and that I can ask for help. And that my ager won’t harm my kids, as it’s delusional to think that a mother should never get angry. And I remind myself that my kids need me just the way I am.
Sometimes we all fail in motherhood, sometimes we don’t love it all. But I’m convinced that as long as we’re good enough, our kids will be just fine.
GREAT post! This is wonderful advice to remember, thank you!
Such a great post Joanna! As much as I hate to admit it, yes I have those bad mommy moments too. I guess we all have right? I agree on saying I’m sorry. Apologizing teaches your child that we all are imperfect and it is OK!
We all have them I think! And exactly, as long as we apologize, it’s all good!