8 surprising reasons to stop complimenting little girls looks
Little girls are adorable. With their cute dresses, adorable smiles and funny faces that they make. Usually while meeting a little girl,the first thing we see, is how pretty she is. And if she’s not pretty (poor little thing, we think), then we usually feel like we should make her feel pretty. So we tell her how nice her dress is, or how cute her shoes are.
And if this little girl is really, really pretty (lucky her, right?), then we compliment her looks with all our heart. Gorgeous hair! And these blue eyes! And what a lovely smile. You do look beautiful today! Like a princess!
It is nice to be complimented, right? And this little girl sure looks happy, being just compared to Elsa. And how pleased her mother must be, to hear that her daughter is beautiful.
Except of that I’m not that pleased. I’m worried. And sad.
Each time a stranger exclaims how cute my daughter is, I just feel like changing the subject. And when her daycare teacher compares her to a little princess I just get upset.
Because I want her to love and accept herself, regardless of how she looks. I wish that she’ll get to live a life free from self objectification, and body shaming!
[bctt tweet=”I want her to love and accept herself, regardless of how she looks. “]
So if people say she’s pretty, why do I worry that she might have body image issues ? Why do I hope that strangers and family would stop concentrating on my daughters looks?
And why do I think that we should stop complimenting little girls looks?
1. Complimenting only looks, gives a message that nothing else is important.
While you tell a little girl how pretty she looks today, you let her know that this is the only thing that you care about. Her being pretty. And nice to look at.
2. Complimenting girls appearance, teaches them that they get attention when they are pretty. When most of the attention that a girl gets, comes from the fact that she’s a pleasing sight to others, she starts thinking that in order for her to get the positive attention, she must stay pretty. So she starts being preoccupied by her looks.
3. Telling a little girl that she’s beautiful, puts her in a tight box of expectations. Because pretty girls shouldn’t get dirty. Or sweaty. Pretty girls should stay pretty. Exercising and getting red isn’t so pretty right? So a lot of preteens stops enjoying physical activity. They get preoccupied with how they look while they exercise.
4. Instead of building their self esteem with compliments, we are ruining it.
While we tell boys they’re strong, smart and capable, we tell girls they are like princesses. They don’t get to hear as often as boys that they can do things, instead they hear that people like looking at them.
[bctt tweet=”While we tell boys they’re strong, smart and capable, we tell girls that they are princesses.”]
5. When a girl starts believing that she’s being valued mostly because of her looks, she stops believing in her intellect.
She starts thinking that she got that good grade because her teacher likes her. She might start thinking that people prefer looking at her in stead of listing to her. If she’s shy she might want to speak up less, in order to be less seen, less complimented and less in the centre of unwanted attention.
6. If a girl learns that she should be pretty in order to get attention, then she’s just a step from believing that she should be sexy.
Just have a look at Barbie dolls, Disney princesses and cartoons targeted at preteens. Feminine characters are always shown as slim and very alluring. They have big lips and big eyes. Often they dress really sexy. And then, a preteen wants to be as close to the girl ideal that she sees in the media as possible. If she really believes that to get the attention she should stay pretty, then before you know it, she’ll start feeling like pretty means sexy. And that sexy equals positive attention.
7. If a girls sees that she gets attention only because of her looks, she might start to fear loosing her looks.
If she believes that this is her only valuable asset, as a preteen and teen she might start obsessing about her body not being perfect enough ( did you heard about the new obsession of young girls? The tight gap. I have no words.)
8. Complimenting girls for looks and boys for performance, teaches the kids that the two sexes are unequal.
When we tell our kids that they can become whoever they want, and then we use intellect based compliments to uplift boys, and appearance based compliments to please girls, do they still believe that they really can become who they wish? Or do they learn to live by our expectations, and to see their strengths where we point them up? I’m afraid it’s the second one.
So that’s why you might hear me praising my daughters creativity, sense of humour and kindness. Not her eyes. And instead of saying that she’s a princess I say that she’s strong, smart, and capable of doing things on her own.
I want her to believe in herself regardless of how she’ll look like in 20 years. I want her to be kind to her body and to treat her “flaws” as her one of a kind features. I hope for her to appreciate her body for what it can do, and not for how pleasing it is to others.
[bctt tweet=”I hope for her to appreciate her body for what it can do, and not for how pleasing it is to others.”]
One more thing: I’m not against telling your daughter, niece or neighbor that she’s pretty. I’m against it being the message that she’s hearing 90% of time!
So let your daughter know that you appreciate her for so much more than just her looks!
Hello, although I do agree the emphasis should not be solely on little girls (or boys) looks, I do believe that not complimenting their appearance ALONG with how smart, strong, creative, kind and loving they are creates lack of confidence in that department. Sure growing up strangers would comment on how pretty I was but it had no merit as I was never told that by the people that mattered most, my parents. I make sure both my son and daughter know how proud I am of them, how smart, strong, kind, beautiful, handsome, loving and important they are. Their answer to me, “I know.” That’s confidence, confidence I sure wish I had. Confidence my husband and I have instilled in them. Caring for our appearance doesn’t make caring for all our other attributes less important. We need to be teaching our children about appearance in a proper way. About natural beauty, how we all come in different shapes, colours and sizes and how that is what makes us all unique and special. Compliment their beauty, just make sure it’s not the only thing you’re complimenting or putting the most emphasis on. JMO
Hi Shantalle! I couldn’t agree more! Yes, we definitely should teach them about natural beauty, diversity, and install confidence in them! My point is just not to concentrate on their beauty as much, because this is what unfortunately I see a lot around me. I really wanted to write about importance of treating girls more like thinking and smart creatures, and less like little cute princesses who care just about makeup and dresses ( although caring a bit about makeup and dresses is totally normal, healthy and fun!). It’s all about balance! Thank you for your input!
Couldn’t agree more 🙂
Execellent information !! Couldn’t agree more ….
I totally disagree. As long as you are not saying that their looks are all that they have I think it’s very important for children to be told they are beautiful. I tell my girls all the time they are beautiful. I don’t ever want them to feel otherwise. I tell my boys they are handsome. No child ever wants to think they are unattractive, especially by their parents.
Cindy, I totally agree with you: of course kids should know that their parents think that they are beautiful. But I think that this is a part of a bigger thing : kids should feel loved by their parents, and the fact that mom and dad think that kids are beautiful, is a part of that. I don’t see nothing wrong in telling kids from time to time, that they are beautiful / handsome. I just think that if a parent says that very often, without adding other words of encouragement/ praise, then the kid might start think that beauty is all that can be liked/ loved. Amd I believe that it happens a lot with young girls.
This article spoke to exactly how I feel about my 13 yo stepdaughter. She has slowly gone down this road of self absorbed beauty that has left her saying things like, “I’m hot enough now a boy will just marry me and take care of me”. Her biomom’s side of the family (and her great grandparents on dad’s side) seem to obsess over every photo she posts on media telling her she should be a top model, that she’s the most beautiful thing ever, that every photo (and only rarely are there photos of anything but her) has beautiful hair, eyes, makeup, outfit/body. She only calls to ask for money for makeup/ new clothing. No one ever seems to compliment her grades, attitude, creativity, or encourage her to reach for any career other than stay at home wife, model, or youtube star. Yes once in a while I hear a “you can be anything” – but at this point I don’t think she even knows that “anything” could entail: doctor, lawyer, teacher, business woman, inventor etc. all she says when we ask about her interests/what jobs she might be interested in in her future are “make up model” or “super star singer” (despite quitting her music lessons and refusing to learn to read music). I agree with commenters that children need confidence in all aspects of their being (physical/emotional/spiritual), but coming from someone on the outside of this family I can see the damage being done to a beautiful and intelligent creature by focusing so heavily on what boys like about her appearance, and how beauty can get her what she wants without trying. I think an article like this would help the grandparents see things from another perspective, and any stranger who is coming from a good place see that they may be somewhat narrow minded in approach. I will definitely take the time with my own children to point this out about others comments as well as try to instill confidence in all areas so they aren’t reliant on the superficial compliments of others to feel good about themself.
This is so unfortunate and really sad- but maybe it’s still not too late to influence her other side of family though?
On the flip side, as a child or even as a teen, I rarely received compliments on how pretty I was or that something about me was beautiful. Sometimes, they’d compliment my dress at church or say how long my hair was getting or say I had such rosy cheeks. I would’ve loved to hear how pretty I was more than a few times from other people. Not hearing those words often left me wondering if I was.